how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize