This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
