Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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