Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
