the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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