dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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