I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
