I wish life had little blips of pornography
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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