I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
