Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
