Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize