I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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