my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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