Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
