I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
