hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
