i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think I sprained my soul last night
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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