I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I need a beard to bite.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
