i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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