I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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