I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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