I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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