I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm having to shit out rocks
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
