My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize