I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
