yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
