I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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