I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
