I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
