Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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