Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
