just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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