I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
