I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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