I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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