So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
