Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
