First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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