hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
