I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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