Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My liver is preforming stress tests.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
