Will you blow on my dice?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
