My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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