I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
