remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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