smell my finger.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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