Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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