She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i was born a porn star she said
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
