thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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