I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
