Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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