I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize