i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
