I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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