I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
