my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So. Much. Porn.
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