Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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