I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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