I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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