There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
